Life Lessons and Secret Obsessions.

okay yes, its taken me awhile to write in here again. i decided to change my blof to a nice, cleansing white. i really dont want to go away for christmas.
i hate to say it, but right way would be the best time to not spend with my family. i dont want to spend it with them for six days.
my mom wants to leave becuase she wants to get away from it all, but i think thats easier to do at home, when you distractions, and things to do. we wont be able to get away from it if we go, we'll just be getting away from the only other thing/people keeping me sane here.
and on top of it all, i keep on thinking of what he did, i mean i have to love gim becuase of who he is, but how do you love someone that did something so terrible?
and, i know its horrible to , but a part of me hopes there actually is something wrong with him, like something that can be cured, or that he can get treatment for, becuase then i would know that its not really him thats acting like this, its the disease...but i dont know anything about what the tests said, but i know what the docters opinions were.
and another part of me actually wants him sent away, which i know is horrible, but i actually think it might be good for him. and, i'll admit it, i am selfish too, i am actually alittle bit scared to be living with him, becuase i dont know what he'll do, and we havent got the test results back, so it could be anything.

and i am so glad i broke up with him, becuase with everything else i really dnt think i could've handled it. that wasnt the reason though. the truth is he didnt really make me feel all that special, which is not really a question i ask myself in realtionships becuase i already know i am special, so i think i tend to chose guys that wont really try to make me feel that, and i dont notice it cuase i already do feel that way....but now that i broke up with him, everyones tell me, " OH you know who else is single now!??" and yes i know it seems like fate has it for him and me, but its not like i can just pretend like the last month never happended, we would both probably have alot of trust issues, so i think i'll need awhhile to regain thast trust that we lost, and i think that might take awhile, after not choosing me in the first place, but i have to admit, i like thiniing about what it would be like, after all this time and all the events. i hope we've both matured.

this is so not helping my insomnia at all.
i actually dont what started the insomnia, was it that coffee last thursday? but since then i dont drink caffiene in the afternoon and it not helping...